It was the end of the day. The end of the week. Yeehah! I stood at the school gates with a girlfriend collecting little travellers as they escaped to freedom. I'd retrieved the fourth, spotted the second, and knew the first was making her way over from the middle school. Eventually the third arrived, with his teacher.
"I'm staging an intervention" she said.
I was perplexed, was my nine year old an alcoholic or a meth addict? Shouldn't there be more of us? Where were the cameras? Where was Dr Phil?
"He's been great this week, we've seen great improvement, no complaints".
The third traveller beamed. He's currently on a reward system. He's been pulled up for some heinous crimes of late - getting out of his chair without permission, and not raising his hand to ask a question. He's a talker, and his two best buddies are in his class. This week was filled with apology letters and think sheets. The third little traveller is introducing us to a whole new side of the school we never knew existed. Think Sheet. Who knew? His latest apology letter regarding his inability to stop talking to his mates, ended with a sincere "this will never happen again".
"Are you sure about that darls? That's a big promise. Maybe you should say 'I'll try very hard to not let it happen again', you might be setting yourself up for a fall there"
"No Mum, I'm really going to do it this time, I'm not going to speak at all in class, not a word".
I imagined my mute son. For about two seconds.
"You need to go with him now and look at his locker." the teacher was staring me in the eyes, she was smiling but she was deadly serious.
The words "yes Mam" were swimming around in my head. It was 1985 and I was going to get sent to the vice principal if I didn't hurry up and get to class.
I wondered what we going to find during our intervention. What was in the locker. Is this where he kept his stash? Was I about to discover some clandestine chemistry set up, or a budding plant. Is that why we were going through so many zip lock sandwich bags? Where were the kitchen scales?
I looked at the faces of the other three travellers. We were only metres from the school gate. A few steps away from the beginning of the weekend. So close.
"I have to go, I have a parent conference to go to" and she was gone. She obviously wasn't a part of the intervention, it was just going to be me and the other little travellers.
"I gather your teacher is telling me your locker is a mess?"
The third traveller's eyes immediately looked to the ground, he shuffled uncomfortably.
I thought about the teachers face, her very clear instructions. "You need to go and look at his locker".
Was that my job? Was I now responsible for checking my children's lockers each week to make sure they were keeping them clean? In the world of helicopter parenting someone had just handed me the keys to the chopper and given me my first mission. I'm not sure my mother ever saw my school locker, I wondered if they would have rang her at the office and asked her to come in and take a look at it?
I looked at the other three travellers, this had nothing to do with them.
"It's your locker mate. You need to clean it up. I'll bring you in early after the weekend and you can do it before school"
I left the keys to the chopper at the school gates as we left.
What do you think? Should I have gone and ultimately helped him clean his locker?
Oh Kirsty. I respect you, x 1000! I think I would have marched off to the locker, all four in tow...had a few stern words about tidiness, responsibility and expectations... Your response was perfect. I'll tuck that one away. My number four is your number three. Quite a shock to be pulled in by the teachers when you thought that was always someone else's child. Humbling! x
ReplyDeleteI am surprised teachers can look into pupils lockers, shouldn't it be private? You did the right thing....we can't clean at the school as well ;)
ReplyDeleteOMG a boy with a messy locker - surprised he wasn't suspended - how dare he do that in a school!!
ReplyDeleteCouldn't even tell you which locker is my son's and judging by my younger son's school bag that I bravely open and empty twice a year, there will definitely be locker interventions for me in the future ;-)
You did what I would have done (especially since the teacher wasn't watching) ;-)
A child with a messy locker? A child with a messy bedroom? At some point in time it's their responsibility and their pride at stake. I recall mum putting a sign on my brothers bedroom door 'Enter at own risk'. So long as his stuff didn't go beyond the door, and she was able to close it, his bedroom, his problem.
ReplyDeleteUnless there was something illegal going on, or rude, or cruel .... a messy locker should be the worst thing to worry about.
Good for you for walking away and keeping a perspective
x
Of course you're not in charge of his locker. That is a helicopter teacher.
ReplyDeleteyou absolutely did the right thing. Well done.
ReplyDeleteDid the teacher ask you to tidy the locker, or your son for that matter? How do you know that there wasn't a dead cat hanging in it that the teacher wanted you to see, or an abusive note about the teacher taped to the door?
ReplyDeleteWhile I am certainly not suggesting you should clean his locker, you only have to see my children's rooms to know that, I think you have also just demonstrated that it is ok to ignore the teacher's concerns.
Just a different perspective.
Thank you. I was genuinely asking for thoughts and it's good to get a different perspective. I told him that I'd be sending his teacher an email letting her know that he was coming in early to clean his locker on Sunday. I've asked him what's in there, he said it was messy. No mention of dead cats, but you never know :-) My concern is that I don't want to be his locker monitor. Is she going to let me know again when it gets messy? I think she has every right to keep him in at recess or lunch to get it clean - but I don't think either her or I should be responsible for keeping it clean.
DeleteI just re-read this and thought I'd better make something clear. The third little traveller has a great teacher and he is doing well. My concerns are solely with my involvement in the locker situation. xx
DeleteUm... naieve question, but what do kids keep in a locker, given you taken them to &from school each day? Don't they bring home what they took?
ReplyDeleteDayna
Hi Dayna,
DeleteHaving spoken to the teacher today, I believe the answer to that question is a lot of mess and three days of old lunches. Gross, gross, gross.
I don't understand why the teacher couldn't just say, "Johnny's locker is a disaster area and he needs to clean it up." The whole cryptic-intervention-go-look-for-yourself thing is silly, not to mention unprofessional, especially since she's got to know you've got 4 kids in tow. However, I don't understand how the mother of a grade-schooler taking a look at a messy locker is helicopter parenting. She wasn't asking you to clean it out for him: she just asked you to look at it - or did I miss something?
ReplyDeleteImagine you are, for a moment, a teacher. You take the time to go find Mum at the school gate (with a parent conference coming any minute) and tell her she really needs to have a look at the child's locker. Mum proceeds to pack the kids up and go home. What would you be thinking? Clearly, she doesn't know what you said to #3 or what you thought, and you don't know - and won't, until next Sunday - why she thought it was a big enough deal to say he needed an intervention. But still: what's the message to her(and #3)? "You think this is important, but I don't."
I've been teaching for 20+ years (and have two grownish boys of my own(16 and 19-at-Uni), and I've met my share of helicopter parents. These are, indeed, people who do things for their children instead of teaching their children how to become independent. I'm 100% in favor of letting children earn the consequences of their behavior, but I don't see how taking a look at your kid's locker is helicopter parenting. Maybe you'll learn something about his organizational skills - or lack therof - and be able to help him improve them. You can take him to school early to clean that locker out every single day (which *would* be helicopter parenting) but if he doesn't have the skills and strategies for keeping it tidy as part of a routine, then he's not learning anything except that the way to keep tidy is to let everything go to hell and then get up early to clean it. And I do have to concur with Desert Blonde - you've just made it clear to him that you and the teacher aren't a united front.
I love your blog and your writing, but I definitely see this issue differently from my side of the desk....
Thanks Caroline,
DeleteLoved your "my side of the desk" perspective, am now picturing you with chalk in hand and glasses resting at the tip of your nose :-)
I guess my feeling is that I am still genuinely perplexed as to why she came and found me at the school gate. Why didn't she just get him to clean it right there and then? The third traveller knows I'm disappointed, and I've told him that I have sent an email to the teacher explaining that he'll be in early on Sunday and that if he doesn't get it done I imagine he'll miss recess or lunch. He knows that she has my full support in the belief that his locker needs to be clean. She also has my full support in his education and his behaviour in class. We are in regular discussions. But I am not the Grade 3 locker monitor, and I do not want to get in a habit of the teacher letting me know every time his locker is messy and me then "having an intervention".
I agree with you, he needs to be more organized and he needs to develop the skills to keeping it tidy. And only he can do this. And he will more than likely learn the hard way.
I've thought about what you've said though and I'll make double sure that the third traveller knows that I agree with his teacher, I'll also confirm with the teacher that I believe it is his responsibility.
I don't see it has helicopter parenting to drop him early. He will hate going in there early to do it and I have no plans to be there when he is. I see it as helicopter parenting when I enter those school gates with him and hover around him.
Caroline I really appreciate your comment, I was genuinely asking for thoughts.
Kxx
Oh, I'm so happy that you took my thoughts in the spirit they were given - sometimes it does help to see it from the other side (in fact, my glasses are sliding down the end of my nose as I type, but I confess to only rarely sitting at a real desk!) As far as why the teacher found you at the gate - can't imagine why she did it that way, unless she wasn't sure whether it was ok to keep him after school. And of course, I don't know the whole history of the locker issues - if they're ongoing, why not just say, 'the locker's looking rough again" ? If you've made it clear that the locker is his responsibility to deal with (a position with which I agree) then it only remains to come up with how to do it. If going in early is going to drive the lesson home, then by all means - do it! It might also help to tell the teacher that you've discussed it, he understands it's his job, and you're on board with whatever consequence she'd like to assign - which may discourage her from running to the gate to tattle every time she thinks the locker's messy.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the organization goes, I don't know how old #3 is, but I taught middle school for 8 years and one thing I learned was that many of them have never been taught specific organizational skills at school. I don't know if this is true of the Little Traveler, but it might be that he doesn't have the first idea how to tackle it. Of course, if the teacher has taught them all this in a specific order, it makes her insistence on orderly lockers a little easier to understand. But if she's just expecting them to sort of know how to do it, a few suggestions might be helpful(have a routine, always put the same thing in the same place, check your assignment book to make sure you have the books you need.) To be honest, I had no problems with your hands-off policy; it was simply the communication with the teacher that was confusing. Now that I understand what's going on, it sounds like you are doing all you can to provide support while he learns to do it on his own - definitely not helicopter parenting!
heck honey, I remember making the whole locker room stink with old-grapes-turning-to-wine in MY locker! Yes he needed to clean up his locker, but it's a low grade crime I reckon. Don't need to get out the thumb screws just yet. :)
ReplyDeleteHave to comment as "Anonymous" as you never know which one of my old teachers might be lurking....
You did the right thing. I ADMIRE YOU SO MUCH.
ReplyDelete